Saturday, October 07, 2006

The doctor card continued. . .techniques of disclosure

Before continuing, please make sure you have read the intro and Part I.

Part II. Techniques of disclosure

These techniques are really only practical in one situation: when you need a little extra help with your dating game and don’t mind humiliating yourself to get it.

1. Direct and shameless:
”Hi, I’m not sure we’ve met. I’m Sara.”
“Hi, I’m Doctor Adam Miller.”

It’s all in the intro. For those a little less brazen, this could be softened by “Whoa, I can’t believe that just slipped out. . . I’ve been spending WAY too much time in the hospital!”

2. That reminds me:
”Oh, so you’ve recently been traveling in Germany? That reminds me of this German patient I have in clinic who has just the largest nose. . .”

Rather flexible and simple—very useful!

3. The concerned patient:
Step 1: Set your cell phone to go off after 3 minutes.
Step 2: Initiate conversation with the person of choice.
Step 3: When the phone rings, excuse yourself but audibly begin the following script:
“Mr. Johnson?. . .No, it’s quite all right for you to call me on my private line. . .your epigastric pain is still bothering you? I want you to go ahead and double the dose of the protonix you are on. . .that’s right, I think you will be feeling better soon. I’ll see you in clinic next week. . .you’re welcome, good-bye. . .[returning your attention to your conversation partner] . . .Sorry about that. So you were telling me about the local beaches?”

Beware, this technique can be associated with feelings of guilt, and if it fails, you may find yourself sunken to a new low.

4. The business card:
Your most beloved and trusted friend.

5. The location slip:
”I was just leaving the hospital where I work today, and I saw the strangest thing. . .there was a rainbow in the sky, but it was in black and white. . .”

Amazing things can happen on one’s way to and from the hospital.

6. DOC or MD plates:
You’ve seen them. Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.

7. Heimlich this:
Step 1: Pay your buddy five bucks.
Step 2: Enter into conversation with a desired party.
Step 3: Signal your buddy, who then begins to loudly and dramatically choke on an olive.
Step 4: Rush over behind him and quickly deliver three epigastric thrusts, the last of which should dislodge the offending olive.
Step 5: Nonchalantly return to conversation with the desired party.

Don’t inform your buddy, but make sure you choose a bar that’s within five minutes of a hospital, just in case the olive decides to play tough guy.

8. Scrubbing it:
Don’t be afraid to show your working blues. Some tips on how to maximize their impact:
1. For added credibility, the more scrub-clad group members, the better
2. More effective at happy hour than on Saturday night
3. Good hygiene is important, but if you are freshly showered and clean shaven, it does raise the question of why you didn’t get a chance to throw on some real clothes.
4. Try khaki bottoms for a hip and more seasoned look

9. The teetotaler:
“Yeah, I’m sticking to the non-alcoholic stuff tonight—I’m on call for the hospital and could have to go cover at a moment’s notice.”

Mysterious and exciting, yet responsible. . .that’s hot!

Final thought:
Armed with these methods, you should be able to reveal or conceal your M.D. status as you choose. Some of them are rather simple to employ, but others require considerable practice, nuance, and planning. Don’t be afraid to put in the necessary work. Getting into medical school wasn’t easy, and neither is becoming a skilled socialite. Whether the goal is to avoid the curious inquiries of over-eager onlookers or to win the heart of that very special person, the payoff may be greater than you think.